


Bodies Have Memories, Too

by Quipplepunk



Series: Sirius Black [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Flashbacks, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Marauders, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, sitting on a roof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23771347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quipplepunk/pseuds/Quipplepunk
Summary: The wizarding world has the pensieve. A memory can be taken out of one’s head and placed in a basin to be viewed or experienced once again. The non-magical world has therapeutic techniques like EMDR, that’s Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, to re-live, re-experience, or re-process memories safely. But alas, bodies have memories, too.
Relationships: Euphemia Potter & Fleamont Potter & James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Series: Sirius Black [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709893
Kudos: 28





	Bodies Have Memories, Too

**Author's Note:**

> Sirius has run away from his parents' house and is living with the Potters. Panic attacks and flashbacks are just a few parts of Sirius adjusting to his new normal.

3:00pm

“Peter, Peter, Peter,” Sirius slaps him on the back. “You never learn, do you?” 

Peter shrugs Sirius’s hand off his back. “Don’t make fun of me. I’m doing my best!” 

“Yeah, leave him alone. If he never learns, then we keep winning. Excuse me, _I_ will keep winning,” Remus teases. 

Snickering and giggling along with the others, James says, “Yeah, but it’s boring when it’s so easy.” 

Peter punches James in the shoulder saying, “You’re such a brat.” 

James tosses his cards on the table. “But seriously, let’s do something else. I can’t sit in this chair anymore. My back hurts.” 

“Ooohhh, I’m James. I’m old and whiny. I’m no fun,” Sirius mocks. 

“I do not sound like that!” James tackles Sirius off his seat. 

When the chair clatters to the floor, Mrs. Potter steps into the kitchen. “Alright, that’s enough, you two.” James and Sirius continue to wrestle around on the floor. “Don’t make me separate you myself.” The boys ignore her and knock about more chairs. Things on the table topple over and roll around. Remus and Peter jump out of the way, doing their best to look innocent. “James Fleamont Potter, you’re too old to be acting like this!” 

James taps out, allowing himself to be pinned by Sirius. “Sorry, mum,” James says. “We were just foolin’.” 

“Yeah, sorry Mrs. Potter,” Sirius adds, looking sheepish. Sirius helps James to his feet. 

Mrs. Potter shakes her head, lips pursed. With one hand on her hip, she draws her wand. Sirius flinches, turning to the side and raising his hands to his face. A gentle pulse of magic emits from his palms and Mrs. Potter is forced to take a step back. The others stand still. No one breathes or even blinks for a long moment. Sirius snaps out of his trauma-brain trance. He drops his hands, straightening up and facing the room with his head high and his chest puffed out. He adjusts his shirt and brushes off the dust that gathered on his clothes from rolling around on the floor with James. He looks to James, but cannot meet James’s eyes. 

“Sirius…” Mrs. Potter says quietly. Sirius glances over to her, his cheeks flushing. He clenches his jaw and looks at her feet. “I will not hurt you. You know that. I was only going to put the room back in place,” Mrs. Potter continues soothingly. 

Sirius’s eyes well up with tears. James reaches out to touch Sirius’s shoulder. When contact is made, Sirius turns and rushes out the kitchen door into the garden. He runs through the garden and into the back yard. He runs through the yard and into the woods lining the Potter’s property. He runs until the forest clears. He stumbles to his knees, wondering whose property he has wandered onto. 

5:30pm

Sirius sits sprawled out on the couch. He’s stretched out across all three cushions; one foot is flopped over the back, one arm hanging over the edge of the seat. James sits cross legged in a big arm chair, arms tucked across his chest. Sirius watches the television mounted over the fireplace. James keeps his head towards the TV but watches Sirius out of the corner of his eye.

7:15pm 

James, Sirius, Mrs. and Mr. Potter are all sitting at the dinner table. Pleasant small talk bounces between them all. 

“Sirius, are you alright?” Mr. Potter asks. 

“Uh, yeah. Why?” Sirius says with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well, you keep stretching out your neck. Does it hurt?” 

Mrs. Potter lets out a little laugh. “I wouldn’t be surprised. You and James were really going at it earlier.” Her eyes widen a little and her cheeks barely flush a soft pink. She focuses her attention on the design on her plate. James rolls his eyes and sinks down in his chair some. 

Sirius says, “Nah, it’s good. I’m fine.” Sirius looks at his watch then gulps down the last few bits on his plate. He stands and stretches. “I am full and tired, though. So, if no one minds, I’m going to excuse myself and head up to my room.” Sirius steps towards the stairs, pausing when he reaches the edge of the kitchen. He glances over his shoulder at the table. “Uhm…” Mrs. and Mr. Potter turn to face him. Sirius stares for a moment. 

“Yes?” Mrs. Potter says. 

“I, uh… It’s ok that I, uh… I mean… Never mind. Nothing. Good night.” Sirius buries his hands in the pockets of his jeans and strides up the stairs. 

9:30pm 

James and Sirius sit on the floor of James’s bedroom. They are huddled over a copy of the Daily Prophet, working together on the Magical Symbols Game. Sirius squirms and winces a little, shifting positions. 

“You good, mate?” James says without moving his eyes from the newspaper. 

Sirius scratches at his arm idly and says, “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

“Yeah.” 

After a moment, Sirius sighs and shifts around again. James looks up at him and raises an eyebrow. “Can we move to the bed or something?” Sirius says. 

“Yeah, sure.” 

James shoves the tangle of blankets off of his bed to make room. Sirius roots around, trying out different sitting and laying positions. They continue to play the game featured in the Daily Prophet. Sirius twitches every now and then. “Can we sit on the roof?” Sirius asks. 

“Sure. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold on to the paper. It’s getting a little windy.” 

“Yeah, well, we haven’t made any progress for like 45 minutes, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?” Sirius chuckles. The boys walk to Sirius’s room and crawl out of his bedroom window onto the roof. 

“Feeling claustrophobic again?” 

“Uh, somethin’ like that, I guess,” Sirius says, stretching his neck again. 

The boys sit in silence. Sirius’s long hair whips around his face in the breeze so he takes the hair tie off his wrist and twists his curly mop into a bun. The air smells sweet, wafting through the garden before reaching the boys on the roof. 

“I hate this,” Sirius says. 

“You hate… the wind?” James guesses. “The roof? The … night?” 

Sirius takes in a long, deep breath. “I hate… still feeling like I’m in that house.” Sirius stares blankly into the sky. 

James turns to face Sirius; he hugs his knees and tilts his head to one side. 

“Wanna know why my neck hurts?” Sirius rolls his neck to one side, letting his head flop onto his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, looking intently at James. James nods and scoots in a bit closer. Sirius looks back up into the sky, his neck craned as far back as it can go. “Did you notice the time?” 

“Uhm,” James peeks at the watch on Sirius’s wrist. “It’s –” 

“Not right now, you buffoon.” Sirius pulls himself into a small ball; his knees are drawn up to his chest and his arms are wrapped around himself. “When it started. When my neck started hurting. Did you notice what time it was?” 

“Uhm… no. I didn’t.” 

“It was the same time as it was when it happened yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. And… I just… I hate this.” 

James looks at Sirius with his brow furrowed. “Sirius, I…” James started. “So, every day, your neck starts to hurt around the same time. And… I’m sorry, Sirius, I don’t think I follow. Like, your neck hurting makes you feel like you’re still at your parents’ house? I don’t get it.” 

“Ugh,” Sirius groans. “I don’t get it either,” he says slowly. There’s a long pause. The wind picks up and blows bits of debris into their faces. James ducks his head under the collar of his shirt and Sirius hides his face in his knees. 

“Merlin, some of that went in my ear.” James grunts, fishing his little finger into his ear and shaking his head. Sirius laughs a bit before reaching over and pulling a twig out of James’s hair. James composes himself and looks at Sirius attentively. “I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty. And I’m sorry I’m not being helpful right now. I’m trying, you know.” 

“I know,” Sirius says, turning to face James. Sirius sits with his legs crossed. He looks directly into James’s eyes for a few seconds before continuing, “I read some muggle books about psychology. That’s the science of behavior and the mind.” James nods so Sirius goes on. “And I read about flashbacks. That means… it’s like an unconscious recurrent memory. It’s powerful and can make you feel like you’re going through something that happened a long time ago all over again, in the now.” 

“Ok, yeah, that makes sense,” James says. 

“Yeah. It’s not just memories that are, like, in your head. It can feel real. Like, in your body,” Sirius says. 

James nods. “So, your neck got hurt when you lived with your parents?” 

“Yeah, I mean… yeah.” Sirius’s eyes wander around. He picks at the skin on his arm as he thinks. He starts to say something a few times but stops himself before any words come out. “So, ok, like,” Sirius speaks again. “Pretty much every night, when I was younger, before I started at Hogwarts, one of my parents would get mad at me for something over dinner.” 

Sirius looks around at everything except James. He continues, “And a lot of times, my father would come around to my seat and pull me up by my collar or grab the back of my neck and yank me around. A couple of times, I found bruises on the back of my neck.” 

Sirius pauses and gives James a sideways glance. James blinks a few times, but otherwise remains stoic. “And I think… I think that even though I didn’t let him get near me when I got older, and even though I don’t live there anymore, and even though he won’t get the chance to do that again…” Sirius sighs. His shoulders sag and he drops his head, looking at his hands in his lap. “I don’t know. It sounds stupid now that I say it out loud.” 

“It doesn’t sound stupid,” James cut in quickly. “It sounds… I don’t know. Real?” 

Sirius looks up at James with a small smile on his face. 

11:00pm

James walks out of Sirius’s room, shutting the door behind him. The door is barely closed before James taps his knuckles on the door and slowly opens it again. 

“Yeah?” Sirius says from his bed. 

“I don’t know if it’s ok to ask, but…” James studies Sirius’s face before saying, “Your neck hurting doesn’t really explain why you ran so far away today. Or… maybe. Does it? And your neck hurting doesn’t explain why you get so squirmy sometimes. I mean, that tends to happen a lot at night, right? After dinner time. After you would have got your neck hurt. So I guess I’m just wondering… I mean, do you think those are flashbacks, too? Like, different memories feeling like they’re happening to your body again?” 

Sirius props himself up on his elbows. “Uh… probably?” 

James takes a step into the room. “What, uh, what are those memories of? What happened?” 

Sirius rolls his eyes and flops back down on his bed. He turns away from James saying, “Now that is not ok to ask.” 

“Oh,” James says quietly, his eyes downcast. “Sorry.” He leaves the room again, pausing once more only to say, “Night, Sirius.” Sirius grunts in response.


End file.
